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I reversed things, I took the step of suffering when you have to smile. I have a particular Christmas pain, each year I reopen a wound that will never heal, the disappearance of a celebration. I undergo my desire to dream, unconsciously I decided to cut myself off from the present of this moment, to move away from this moment, to hide myself temporarily, and to spare the eyes the image of seeing myself alone. So, I give what I no longer have, I radiate from what I no longer feel, to imprison the bare value of what I am, a sum which is divided into the trouble of having to act as if, for others than those I love. I am still looking for the loop of a repetition in my masculine armor, embracing myself with an indescribable pleasure to accept to suffer for the happiness of mine, to come back to die to be reborn the next day. I deliver myself from lost sufferings, to reap the forgetfulness sown in my sorrow, to be blind to the chances of hearing the refrain, from hopes refused every day, to close the floodgates of my childhood to express my sorrow, in the place of my love.